Looking Foreward in Faith

I have recently learned a thing or three. More likely I have learned five or six. All these things...have hurt. And have been hard. Harder than I could imagine. Yet my heart is full of gratitude for them. I have loved. I have lost. I have done everything I could within my power to hold on, to be faithful. But the Lord has lessons for me to learn yet...before I take that leap into marriage. Who I will marry I don't know. I thought I knew. I was so sure of it I would have bet my life. I let fear and doubt in and I lost him...he did the same. I guess it is more fair to say we lost eachother. And it would be easy to look back and ask God "why?...after all the confirmations and happy times and the beauty of our relationship...why?"... but I have learned that the question of "why" is pointless. Rather I have to look at this and say "Oh Lord, what am I to learn?" And when I ask THAT question. . . light comes through. And I can see more clearly, more happily my God's purpose in this trial. I wouldn't blame this on God. No. I can blame it of no one truly. But I know my God better than I ever have and I know he has a way of taking the worst of trials and turning them into the greatest of blessings. It hurts. Yes. But God's way is the greatest. And I trust in him to guide us all through these trials that we have. I trust in God with all that I am. I trust because he has led me thus far. And I know he is leading me still.

The sight, the smell. It haunts me.
And I miss those arms.
How does my brain hold it so clearly?
Memories.

Saturday is a SPECIAL day!

OK! ok. SO GOOD!

conference today, the saturday session. Oh what a wonderful world we live in.

The truth then. I woke up SO upset. Last night kinda sucked. A lot. And I guess I have just been emotional lately (more like my whole life, but lately sounds better than always)... anywho. I got to work this morning and realized that Kevin was in charge and I almost started crying. Because Kevin really bothers me. I don't mean to sound cruel, he is just...one of those people that are very hard to deal with! Besides, I was already so upset! But I knew conference was coming. And I knew that I needed to listen. I was worried though...what if it decided to be the one busy Saturday of the year and I couldn't get through the talks because I had to keep getting in-and-out of my truck? So. I said a prayer. And, stupid probably, but I simply asked Heavenly Father for the patience to get through the day without kicking Kevin in the shins and to be able to listen to conference.

So I go into work. I plug in my head phones. Safe zone. And then I start putting up freight. True to form, it is slow. Slow slow slow. And I can just listen to the MOTAB. And things are ok. I'm pretty cranky though. And I have a tummy ache. As usual. But that is ok. I can't even hear Kevin's whining with the headphones plugged in. Praise whoever invented the ear-buds that actually block sound out. I could KISS them. Full on the lips. You bet.

An hour passes. Two hours. Ten O-the-Clock. Conference time.

I try to plug in the radio...but freaking Kevin doesn't want me to. Naturally. Ok. I go to my truck. Luckily a run comes off the printer. GOOD! First talk... mostly missed. But there are more coming. So I listen. I am praying that I just hear a few things I need.. a few of the things I have been asking.

I don't know WHEN it came... But it did. Answers. Floods of them. Clear as day and ever so beautiful. So beautiful Anne would call it wonderful. I like her use of diction. I will call it wonderful too. Because it is full of wonder. I am in absolute awe. I was being such a brat! But my God still wants to let me know he is there, listening, loving me. How I love him.

I heard things this morning, and this afternoon, that I have been looking for for a year and a half almost to date. THIS I know because I came up with a few of these questions in the MTC. And had I stayed in the mission field I would be returning this month. CRAZZZZZYYYYY!!!!!! Obviously the Lord's ways are not our own. HA! look at where I am now! Engaged to a Hotty. Boo-YA! ....I should prolly say that he is nice and stough too. Ha! I am truly so blessed. I hope that anyone who reads this was able to hear the talks that I heard. I am sure you will be blessed if you listen to them. Here, lemmemakethiseasyforya.

LINK!

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/sessions/2012/04?lang=eng

There you go. Now watch. Listen. And be uplifted. :)

All my love to you dears. Have a happy day.

-Missa

...

I'm on here... because I need an outlet. To say something. Just for the purpose of saying it. No other reason really.
I came home after math.. and was determined to take a lovely, long nap. I need it. I'm tired. My eyes have been burning, my body just wants to quit this day. But I have far too much to do, I cannot quit this day. That is why a nap would be the wise choice. But where am I? On the computer. Naturally. Playing on tumblr.... cuz I made one of those (it is melysaclarise.tumblr if anyone is interested)...because without facebook what am I truly supposed to do on the interwebs? ha! Well, there is pinterest, which I feel bored of. And then blog-stalking. That is fun. - And then I remembered that I have my very own blog. And I was feeling all sorts of... wanting to express myself...forgive me my lack of eloquence, my brain is really, very, very tired.
I guess I should get on with it.
I have had so very much to think of as of late.. and a several few of these subjects for thinking have been, well, meloncholy, to say the least. And others have been extremely happy. I suppose my mood is mixed (perhaps because I have been listening to Harry Potter book 6 on tape and Dumbeldore just died today and I was about to bawl my eyes out in my work truck but refrained due to the fact that I had to deliver parts - to real live humans. And they'd think I was a psycho if i showed up bawling about a fictional character - but I LOVE that fictional character). SOOOO, as I was moving to the point here. HA! I feel extremely grateful and overwhelmed, and peaceful, and... I love it. let me explain those feelings. In order:
1-I feel grateful, exceptionally grateful, for the blessing of the past several months. I spent the better part of.. the mid to end of last year in an emotional uproar. I was confused. I suppose my soul, and those around me, had taken a good, HARD beating. I had come to a point where I simply...was lost. I did not know what to do. I will not attempt to explain the circumstances here, it would be beside the point. All I really know IS... God is real. He is my father. And Jesus, he is my brother. And I know that my prayers were answered. I had reached that point where I had not a clue of what to do next. As soon as I said to the Lord, "take it, put me where I need to be"...and as soon as I truly submitted to that...things fell, literally fell into place. A glorious, happy, hope-strewn, lovely place. And I love being here.
2. I feel overwhelmed. I don't know if I can do this one any justice. I feel as though... there is too much that goes into it. As you may, or may not know, I am engaged, to be married (people don't usually refer to an engagement in any other way besides marriage really...not usually...so I suppose I didn't have to specify that) to a certain Jeremy Garcia. And I am so glad. SO glad...but, good heck! I feel as though I am not good enough.. as though.. I am not..well...no.. I should say I feel like there are so many better choices for a wife in this world than myself, and I feel like...maybe I've played an extremely good trick, getting this kid to want to marry me. And I am grateful that he wants me. How I am. This Melysa. Not another one. That is a really nice thought. But it is overwhelming. I am not good at being disciplined. I am not good at planning things. I can be so painfully shy..it's really, really stupid! I kinda feel like the things I am good at..are rather pointless..silly, trivial things. So... I feel overwhelmed. that someone would really want me, this soon. After everything that has happened to me in the past few months. It is one of our God's great gifts to his daughter.
3. I feel peace. I used to look at those people who got married after 2 months of dating and think "holy...way to rush things. Calm down, it's just your hormones." But now I understand. marriage is a scary thing... if you haven't found the right "one". But when you do...It is like... breathing. You don't really have to debate the decision, you aren't even worried about it. You are just going to be with your best friend, that extremely wonderful-talented-handsome-human for your eternity. And somehow you just feel in your soul, deep within you, that things are going to be good. Not even good, they'll be super-good. Wonderful.
Right-O. feeling enlightened? I should hope so. It is now... 5:20. I have 3 math assignments to do, a post for lit, and some pages to read...OH EFF!!! i forgot. I also have to go take some photos for my photography class. Hmmm. I love school. (that statement is simply littered in sarcasm).
I hope I have not bored you too deeply. I hope my homework doesn't bore me too deeply. Thanks for reading if you did.
oh. And here is a song I love. Maybe you'll love it too.

All i know is to be.
To become.
I'll be anything.
i've been loathsome.
I've been crawling....scraping. for hope.
I'm learning. I'm walking now. walking straight.
tall even.
Soon i'll fly.
and you won't even see me.
you'll see a speck. a glimmer...of what once was that crawling thing.
I hope you'll come with me.
i pray even.
my heart has spilled.
this is it.
i'm taking off.

Beauty

I do not know how to write of how wonderful this woman is to me. There is nothing poetic or enticing in my writing, all I can do is express my gratitude for such a woman in my life.
When I was young, Mother was raising my two brothers and I alone. She had her parents and her church to lean on for support. I often sit in silence wondering how she got through it all. The heartache must have been tremendous. The obstacles must have seemed to great to leap -but steady endurance and patience lent her friendship. And somehow it all passed.
She is older now - and beauty is creased in her smile. And she is still giving - to her family, her mother, her father, her children. All the woman does is give. That is what makes her so beautiful. It is not her smile - though that is, of course, lovely to behold. Her beauty is not in her grace, yet she possesses plenty of that. My mother's beauty is in her spirit. It is in her soul. Her beauty is that selflessness that keeps her giving.
For what act have I been blessed with such a mother?
-None. I suppose it's dumb luck. A blessing I fail to deserve. But oh how I am grateful.
That woman, my mother, is a beacon of strength.
I love her.

"True love is  the best thing in the world, except for cough drops. Everybody knows that."
            -Miracle Max

 President Joseph F. Smith said: “To my mind, it means entering into the knowledge and love of God, having faith in his purpose and in his plan, to such an extent that we know we are right, and that we are not hunting for something else, we are not disturbed by every wind of doctrine, or by the cunning and craftiness of men who lie in wait to deceive. We know of the doctrine that it is of God, and we do not ask any questions of anybody about it; they are welcome to their opinions, to their ideas and to their vagaries. The man who has reached that degree of faith in God that all doubt and fear have been cast from him, he has entered into ‘God’s rest’” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph F. Smith[1998], 56).

Tuesday

I find myself driving to a place that brought so many tears and blessings.
As i walk in memories leap back at me. Some so painful, others so sweet.
And there it is! his office. Just as i left it.
I round the corner. Perfect.
My friend sitting in his place.
A smile wrinkles his eyes as he sees me standing there.
My attire feels strange in his presence- jeans.
I await the question "Where is your skirt sister?"
But that was before.
A warm welcome.
He remembers me so well. Trivial details.
He laughs. We laugh.
Why is This friend so wonderful?
Why is he so kind?
I can see in his face, he is warn, spent.
That smile stays so naturally. Never pasted.
He always did smile.
And i wonder how he does it.
The warmest feeling fills my heart. Every part of my soul feels peace.
Too soon he must leave. A meeting to go to.
A goodbye.
Finally- A hug.
Finally.
And i weep as i go-the sweetest tears ever spent.
Tears are ever flowing in this place, whatever the reason.
That friend...Does he know how he has blessed me?
A tender mercy from our God.
Someday i will be that friend to someone.

listening

One time a good friend told me to .....Just do what I want to do. And at first I thought it was a flawed idea. The problem is that a while later I realized I don't really know what i want. And i figured.... therein lies the root of your problems lady!
What a gift it would be to listen more oft than we hear.

His logic was sound. 

Strange world.

Christmas Eve

So here i am, Christmas Eve. It doesn't feel exactly like Christmas. I feel no drive to be eloquent in my writing. I Simply want to say that i am glad to be alive. This life, with all of it's challenges and turmoil sometimes surprises me with moments of bliss. Tonight, especially, was nothing short of a disaster. And on Christmas Eve! Confusion and tears worked their way into this evening. I had hardly expected to be anything but happy after this day. But, as i said, life is nothing short of surprising.
Trouble with brother, angry and hurt. I made dinner in a fury and cleaned the kitchen in the same state. I was completely distraught. We opened our Christmas pajamas. Still uprooted. And then we read of Jesus' birth. And peace crept in. How can one deny that sure peace that the spirit of Christ brings? Surely i wasn't expecting it. And a text from a loved one brought these words to rememberance:
"Oh holy night, the stars are brightly shining. It is the night of the dear Savior's birth. Long lay the world in sin and error pining till he appeared and the soul felt it's worth. A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn. Fall on your Knees! Oh, hear the angel voices! Oh night divine, oh night when Christ was born."
A thrill of hope. What hope does this song speak of? It is the hope that Jesus gave to souls when he came to this earth. That hope...that no one else could bring. None other had the power to save us. none other was equal to the task. Only Jesus could do it. This world is ever weary, we are all continually in a sinful state. But Jesus came to save us from ourselves. And i cannot think of a person that i love more than him. My savior, my King, Jesus Christ. My brother.
The Last is my favorite title, brother. How kind. how wonderful! I can never fully say what i feel for my Savior. I thank him, and i praise him. I am eternally grateful for the knowledge that he lives! That he came to this earth to atone for my sins, and that he died that we might live again. My words are nothing compared to what i feel.
Peace surprised me this Christmas eve. I thought it impossible after the events of this night, but here it is, full and warm. And that is what Christmas is about! Christmas-to remember Christ, to feel of his love, and to feel that sure peace which only he can bring.

This is my favorite thing. My family.

"When we judge people, we have no time to love them."
                                            -Mother Teresa

My Favorite Things

Everyone always criticizes the song "My Favorite Things" from "The Sound Of Music" whenever it is played as a Christmas song. But i love that song! and i say WHY NOT? so! in honor of this, one of my favorite Christmastime melodies, i shall post pictures of my favorite things every day until Christmas. I suppose i should have started on the twelfth. oh well. But if you haven't understood these random pictures so far, that is what they are, just my favorite things.

i would just like to play dress up.....